How To Grow Your Own Piranha Plant

So you want your own Piranha Plant? I don't blame you, they're pretty cool. At first, everyone thought they were a myth only appearing in far-fetched stories about Italian plumbers saving princesses from dinosaurs in magical kingdoms, but recently the plant has been discovered in various forms.

As far as we know, there are two ways of acquiring them. You can either grow them or transform someone into one. It's not like the local greenhouse is going to be offering them anytime soon. And unless you're versed in dark magic or you steel a magical wand, chances are you won't be transforming anyone into a Piranha Plant.

So your only chance is growing them, and it's sad to say that Piranha Plant seeds are equally as rare. However, they do show up from time to time on the black market or on Ebay, so I would check often. Legends always tell us that when someone offers something weird, awesome or cool, you just take it. Magic beans, dragon eggs, and the like only come around once in a lifetime, so why waste the opportunity?

This doesn't seem sketchy at all

If you already have one, great! They are super resilient plants that can grow anywhere, even in subterranean areas and underwater. There's just a few steps you need to take to ensure a happy plant.

Step 1. Get a pipe. It must be wide enough so that a fat Italian plumber could climb into it. Piranha Plants can grow anywhere, but they prefer a pipe, as it makes them feel at home.

In this case, length and width do matter.

Step 2. Watch out for projectiles and biting. Not all kinds spit fire, but some do. Others have been known to spit ink, goop, ice, and even offspring! It's best to check what kind you have if possible so you can be prepared. Buy flame-retardant material and always have a fire extinguisher on hand, a medical kit to service your wounds and bite marks, a flash liquidizer ultra dousing device, and/or an invincibility star.

Two plants arguing about who's fireballs are bigger.

Step 3. Let them rest. They tend to sleep a lot, so walk softly or play a lullaby when going past them.

In general, if you treat your plant with respect, they, in turn, will do so likewise. Here's a few activities you can do with them.

Play catch and make sure to toss underhand. Piranha Plants are great catchers and take great pleasure in spitting things back. They have good aim too, but if they’re feeling devious they'll spit it out in random directions and make you chase it down.

If you have a neighbor you don't like, you can even teach the plant to aim!

Teach them to spit projectiles when appropriate. They are well behaved and will adhere to boundaries that you set, just make sure to let them have their fun too. They like spitting and let’s face it, you would love to have a flamethrower on command.

And last but not least, dangle objects for them to bite. This might seem like a cruel trick to play on the plant, but they actually enjoy it and it gives them lots of exercise. 

 

He's way cuter than the kitten we got last week!

4 Reasons Why Imaginary Friends Are Better Than Real Ones

Actually, there’s approximately a bajillion reasons why imaginary friends are better(yes, that’s quantifiable), but that would take too long to go through so I made a short list.

1. No matter what you do, they will still be your friends tomorrow.

Real people take offense at everything. They're moody, subject to emotions, and are just pesky. All you have to do is take a piece of their gum and, next thing you know, they're on a rampage. Geez.

Imaginary friends will love you no matter what. Even the crazy people will get some love!

Just imagine the possibilities!

2. Even if they don’t, you can just make a new one.

Humans can't create real friends yet. We can't clone ourselves, and robots are risky at best, so this is the best option. And the best thing about it: it's free.

You can do this ad nauseam. Oh, the joy!
WARNING: Doing this repeatedly will leave you with grand expectations, and you will be disappointed.

3. You can make them look like whatever you want! 

Want a sexy babe? Done. A dragon or a lesser mythical creature? Done. A video game character? Done. How about a polka-dotted, bow tie sporting, sun shade wearing, singing blob? That's possible too.

Bow ties are cool. And all of your friends can wear them!

4. If you don’t want to talk to them anymore, you can just make them disappear!

How many times have you wished you had a remote to mute annoying people, or even just to turn them off? Now you can!

(Silence)

How to Slay a Dragon

Step 1: Find a giant sword.

Think huge. That’s not big enough. Trust me when I say the bigger the better. However, if you can’t lift the sword, refer to Index B. Do be aware that you can find a sword that is too big. In such cases, leave them be and look elsewhere.

Sword is actually drawn to scale. Slay the Dragon!

That's probably too big. Not gonna lie.

It’s a bonus if the sword has an absurdly awesome or crazy name you can’t pronounce. Some examples are:

The Exterminator

The Awesome Amazing Destroyer of Destroying

Grarg’s Nail of Slicing and Dicing

Masamunalunasianakabetana

Azbaglodokuntia

Bonus Points are also awarded for design. If you’re looking for a powerful sword, find the one that is either glowing, encased in fire, or has evil looking runes etched into it. Having all three options on the same sword, or other cool ones, are preferable. These swords are probably going to kick the most ass.

Now how do you store this thing?

Step 2: Find the Dragon’s weakness

This is almost always their underbelly. Why all dragons throughout the ages have failed to understand this is beyond me. Just look for a part that isn’t armored, and stab at it. If you have failed Step A, a bow and arrow will be suitable but it makes you look like an idiot. Just make sure they are flying before you attempt to shoot them.

This is like leaving a hole in the Death Star and allowing the Hero to destroy it. Not very bright if you ask me.

Step 3: Claim the Dragon’s Hoard

That’s right. Steal all the treasure for yourself. Don’t give it to anyone because they probably don’t deserve it. And if they want to argue about it, you have a giant sword. Kill them and end their miserable existence. You know you secretly wanted to do it anyway.

Drinks all around!

Things that don’t work:

Shouting at a dragon doesn’t do anything. This is contrary to popular belief, but it is true. Dragons purr louder than you or I could possibly shout, and combine this with the fact that they are fearless, intelligent, cunning, and deadly and can destroy everything you own in less than 5 seconds means that shouting doesn’t work.

Compare this to shouting at your girlfriend/wife. You seem to win momentarily when you shout and win the battle, but then she secretly concocts a master plan that involves your manhood being cut off by a rusty knife, you crying about it, and her videotaping it and putting it on YouTube so the world can see. Yeah, you kinda lose there.

Oh no! The dragon used purr, its most secret evil attack!

Punching Dragons doesn’t really do anything either unless, of course, you’re Chuck Norris, then by all means. Imagine punching a tank, or a steel wall enforced with titanium, or Bruce Lee- the result would be catastrophic for you. The same would happen with a dragon.

See? This alien pretending to be human can't even do it.

Index A: You need to be a Hero

A hero is defined as:

1. Someone who has accomplished a major feat.

2. A demigod

3. Someone who defies the gods and pisses them off. You must live to tell your tale on this one.

4. Some monumental task comes your way and if you don’t do it, then the world collapses and bunnies rape everything in sight.

5. All of the above.

Index B: If you’re a weak pathetic mortal, hire a hero.

For this to work, you either need to be a damsel in distress or have a lot of money. Some heroes will take requests and commissions, but payment for these is usually in the form of sexual pleasure. So if you feel like getting plowed by the man of steel, then by all means, go for it.

You know what's going to happen later right?