Step 1: Find a giant sword.
Think huge. That’s not big enough. Trust me when I say the bigger the better. However, if you can’t lift the sword, refer to Index B. Do be aware that you can find a sword that is too big. In such cases, leave them be and look elsewhere.
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| Sword is actually drawn to scale. Slay the Dragon! |
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| That's probably too big. Not gonna lie. |
It’s a bonus if the sword has an absurdly awesome or crazy name you can’t pronounce. Some examples are:
The Exterminator
The Awesome Amazing Destroyer of Destroying
Grarg’s Nail of Slicing and Dicing
Masamunalunasianakabetana
Azbaglodokuntia
Bonus Points are also awarded for design. If you’re looking for a powerful sword, find the one that is either glowing, encased in fire, or has evil looking runes etched into it. Having all three options on the same sword, or other cool ones, are preferable. These swords are probably going to kick the most ass.
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| Now how do you store this thing? |
Step 2: Find the Dragon’s weakness
This is almost always their underbelly. Why all dragons throughout the ages have failed to understand this is beyond me. Just look for a part that isn’t armored, and stab at it. If you have failed Step A, a bow and arrow will be suitable but it makes you look like an idiot. Just make sure they are flying before you attempt to shoot them.
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| This is like leaving a hole in the Death Star and allowing the Hero to destroy it. Not very bright if you ask me. |
Step 3: Claim the Dragon’s Hoard
That’s right. Steal all the treasure for yourself. Don’t give it to anyone because they probably don’t deserve it. And if they want to argue about it, you have a giant sword. Kill them and end their miserable existence. You know you secretly wanted to do it anyway.
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| Drinks all around! |
Things that don’t work:
Shouting at a dragon doesn’t do anything. This is contrary to popular belief, but it is true. Dragons purr louder than you or I could possibly shout, and combine this with the fact that they are fearless, intelligent, cunning, and deadly and can destroy everything you own in less than 5 seconds means that shouting doesn’t work.
Compare this to shouting at your girlfriend/wife. You seem to win momentarily when you shout and win the battle, but then she secretly concocts a master plan that involves your manhood being cut off by a rusty knife, you crying about it, and her videotaping it and putting it on YouTube so the world can see. Yeah, you kinda lose there.
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| Oh no! The dragon used purr, its most secret evil attack! |
Punching Dragons doesn’t really do anything either unless, of course, you’re Chuck Norris, then by all means. Imagine punching a tank, or a steel wall enforced with titanium, or Bruce Lee- the result would be catastrophic for you. The same would happen with a dragon.
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| See? This alien pretending to be human can't even do it. |
Index A: You need to be a Hero
A hero is defined as:
1. Someone who has accomplished a major feat.
2. A demigod
3. Someone who defies the gods and pisses them off. You must live to tell your tale on this one.
4. Some monumental task comes your way and if you don’t do it, then the world collapses and bunnies rape everything in sight.
5. All of the above.
Index B: If you’re a weak pathetic mortal, hire a hero.
For this to work, you either need to be a damsel in distress or have a lot of money. Some heroes will take requests and commissions, but payment for these is usually in the form of sexual pleasure. So if you feel like getting plowed by the man of steel, then by all means, go for it.
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| You know what's going to happen later right? |
