How To Grow Your Own Piranha Plant

So you want your own Piranha Plant? I don't blame you, they're pretty cool. At first, everyone thought they were a myth only appearing in far-fetched stories about Italian plumbers saving princesses from dinosaurs in magical kingdoms, but recently the plant has been discovered in various forms.

As far as we know, there are two ways of acquiring them. You can either grow them or transform someone into one. It's not like the local greenhouse is going to be offering them anytime soon. And unless you're versed in dark magic or you steel a magical wand, chances are you won't be transforming anyone into a Piranha Plant.

So your only chance is growing them, and it's sad to say that Piranha Plant seeds are equally as rare. However, they do show up from time to time on the black market or on Ebay, so I would check often. Legends always tell us that when someone offers something weird, awesome or cool, you just take it. Magic beans, dragon eggs, and the like only come around once in a lifetime, so why waste the opportunity?

This doesn't seem sketchy at all

If you already have one, great! They are super resilient plants that can grow anywhere, even in subterranean areas and underwater. There's just a few steps you need to take to ensure a happy plant.

Step 1. Get a pipe. It must be wide enough so that a fat Italian plumber could climb into it. Piranha Plants can grow anywhere, but they prefer a pipe, as it makes them feel at home.

In this case, length and width do matter.

Step 2. Watch out for projectiles and biting. Not all kinds spit fire, but some do. Others have been known to spit ink, goop, ice, and even offspring! It's best to check what kind you have if possible so you can be prepared. Buy flame-retardant material and always have a fire extinguisher on hand, a medical kit to service your wounds and bite marks, a flash liquidizer ultra dousing device, and/or an invincibility star.

Two plants arguing about who's fireballs are bigger.

Step 3. Let them rest. They tend to sleep a lot, so walk softly or play a lullaby when going past them.

In general, if you treat your plant with respect, they, in turn, will do so likewise. Here's a few activities you can do with them.

Play catch and make sure to toss underhand. Piranha Plants are great catchers and take great pleasure in spitting things back. They have good aim too, but if they’re feeling devious they'll spit it out in random directions and make you chase it down.

If you have a neighbor you don't like, you can even teach the plant to aim!

Teach them to spit projectiles when appropriate. They are well behaved and will adhere to boundaries that you set, just make sure to let them have their fun too. They like spitting and let’s face it, you would love to have a flamethrower on command.

And last but not least, dangle objects for them to bite. This might seem like a cruel trick to play on the plant, but they actually enjoy it and it gives them lots of exercise. 

 

He's way cuter than the kitten we got last week!